Why is it that I won't just call and friend and talk but I will write how I am feeling for the whole world to see? Is it because it is 11 p.m. on a Friday night and I feel bad calling so late? And let's get this straight, the whole world does not read my blog but instead 10 people will see this but I need to get some thoughts out and I wanted to do it while I am in this emotional craziness.
1. I feel so pathetic sitting here alone watching a movie and crying. Crying over what? Am I wishing that my life was a fun/happy dream filled story? Am I appreciating that I don't have a terminal illness? Am I frustrated with others having families and mine possibly only including the number two? Do I want to do more with my life? I wish I could go back to the days when I first met Mr. M and relive those feelings, the nervousness, the excitement, the desire to kiss him, to not leave, the dream of never having to say goodbye on Sunday nights so he could drive home to not see each other for another week?
2. Why am I lazy? I want/need to exercise more but why don't I? I need to clean my house better/more, but why don't I? I want/need to show Mr. M more often how much I love him and how important he is to me, but why don't I do it more often? Why do I compare myself to others? Why do I always want more, want what I don't have, and not appreciate what I do have?
3. Is this getting too deep? Are you still with me? I'm not sure I'm still here myself. What do I feel that I need to write something profound and something that might not be me just so more people will read my blog? Wow, I'm feeling a little pathetic here.
4. I want to spend more time with friends but I feel overwhelmed with responsibilities and life and with Mike studying a lot when we get a chance to have down time I just want to spend it with him. Sorry friends for not being with you more.
5. One thing I do know is that I don't read my scriptures enough. There, I said it, I struggle with reading my scriptures. I always have. I love reading them when I do, but it is getting me started that is the hard part.
Okay, I think I am drying up. It seems lately too that I just need to vocalize my thoughts. I just need people to listen and not give me opinions or tell me that things will work out but instead I just want them to tell me how crappy things are and that they feel bad for me. I am sorry if my personal issues is all I talk about to some of you, but thanks for listening. What's sad is that now I want to delete this because I am worried about being embarrassed when I see people next and embarrassed about what they might say about what I just wrote. But I wanted to write my feelings down in my journal and why not do it for the world to see.
12 comments:
Oh Kari, everyone has those days. Don't be embarrassed. People who say they never feel like this at least once in awhile are lying!
Kari-I completely agree with The Samples Sampler. We ALL have bad days, we all wish things were better, that we were better...I think there's a reason for that and it's so we will be better. Hugs to you...and tears are healing so let them fall.
Kari - I am so sorry you are having a bad day. That is so why I don't watch those kind of movies - they totally send me into some wicked tailspins too... I hope that you feel better, but it is ok if you don't. But don't ever feel like you can't be honest with who you are or what you are going through. Because it helps me to know I am not the only one that gets discouraged.
its okay cousin. love you.
I understand how you feel in so many ways right now. I am sorry that you are facing these challenges, and feel this way right now. SUre thigns will work out "when they are supposed to" but it not easy to wait.
I too struggle with the scripture reading. It can take only a few minutes, but it is so easy to push it off to an easier time that never comes that day.
Hope your day goes better today!
Thanks for your courage in sharing. I love that you are real about stuff, it is great!
Kari, your awesome.
For real we all have bad days and for you i sure that sometimes there are more bad days than good..or so it feels. hang in there.
and thanks for being honest..
i hear ya on some of those things like exercise, cleaning my house, scriptures.. we all have those same problems.
hope
uh... was i just reading my own journal or yours? seriously... remember, you are loved.
I didn't even know you had a blog!! now I do.. And just for the record, I struggle with reading my scriptures too, I know I need to but I get sooo bored, I just don't get anything out of them but words and stories I do not understand and get lost in...I wish I was smarter ;)
I hope you are feeling better, I think sometimes life does suck, and I am sorry about you struggling with having children, I didn't know. This is why I always feel bad for complaining about the stupid things I should not be complaining about. My sister is having a hard time having a baby and I can't personally understand that but I can imagine how hard I must be. But it is nice to just have a day to cry and let it all out...Even though I feel like I have been crying for the last 5 months..lol...I try to have a good attitude but sometimes I just don't want to and that is ok..maybe not for the people around me but its ok with me. ;) I will keep you in my prayers...
kari, you are one of my favs. I am so glad you came to book club the other night!
first off thanks for leaving a comment on my blog! I know we know eachother but we don't "KNOW" eachother! do you get what I'm saying? HA!
i think i can relate to you quite a bit. i have struggled with a lot of the same things and really a good long cry helps, even if you wake up the next morning looking like a crazy puffy eye lady!
i hope that you feel better and that you have a good cry and a good talk with HF... i know some times when my life feels like it is spinning out of control and i stink at everything, i forget to pray and talk with my Father about stuff. He wants to hear from you. the good the bad and the ugly he is there for you.
chantelle
ps:cold cucumbers help with the puffiness.
I have to admit that for some reason I was browsing your blog since I couldn't sleep. This post made me feel so much better as it reminds me that I am not alone in so many ways.
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