So, at Time Out For Women this year in Calgary Laurel talked about living our Plan A. She said something to the effect of "we are all living our Plan A, we just didn't know this was our Plan A".
I have been thinking a lot lately about my life....where I am, where I am not, where I thought I would be and what I thought I would be doing....and who with. I'm sorry if you are all sick of my "baby talk" but I'm sorry...I am going to keep going with it. And who else to better talk about it with than the "void". (any of my #6 girls know where that word is from?!!)
Anyway, I wanted to be married by the time I was 21. That wasn't a must plan, just an age I thought would be good. Well, I have to say I am glad I didn't get married at 21 but at 24. I learned a lot about life in those few extra years and had great experiences. So marriage came and we didn't really want to start having kids right away, but after six months of marriage we changed our minds. We wanted our family to grow. I usually say that we wanted to start a family, but we already had-by us being married. Sometimes I feel that we aren't considered a family or aren't as important because we don't have kids.
Our fertility (I say fertility journey not infertility in hopes it will still happen for us) started with me getting pain in my right side. I had an ultrasound and found out that I had two cysts, one on each ovary, that were an inch in size. They told me the only thing I could do was to take Tylenol for the pain and come back in three to six months to check. I wouldn't have that so I went back the next month to check and they were gone! But, that didn't fix our situation. We have done I think seven artificial inseminations, one of those being done because I didn't react to the medication for IVF and so they couldn't/wouldn't attempt to take any eggs. To add to that, I have been told my ovaries are shrinking and are smaller than they should be for a woman my age. Nice, eh? So it looks like my body is shutting down....and way sooner than I want it to. We did get pregnant in 2009 but miscarried at six weeks. It is so hard not to have "what ifs" and "I shouldn't have done this or that" because it would have allowed things to end differently but I have to remind myself that I am not to blame. It is amazing how hard it is to not blame myself, but it happened and I can't do anything about it now. So we know we have one little soul waiting for us, which is the sun to our sky.
When do we say enough is enough and stop going through procedures and accepting life as it is? Right now though I feel like I have finally accepted that this is how our life is and I feel content that we have done everything we can do to have children....I can talk about it and not cry my face off but it is still hard. Our wounds are still raw. Now I don't want people to be afraid or nervous to tell me they are pregnant because I am very happy for you and want to share in your good news. I will confess though that I may cry after you tell me, when I am alone of course and say "I wish I had news to share too".
One thing that I hate to say about all of this is that I came very close to losing my testimony. Why when we are commanded to have children would we not be blessed with them? Why us? I didn't expect my life to be perfect but really? Why did this have to be my struggle? I am happy that I haven't had to deal with a lot of death, other than grandparents that were old and had lived good long lives. But not having children...and especially not really being able to do anything about my body shutting down WAY too early is HARD. Hard, hard, hard. If I would have been able to look at a crystal ball and known this was down the path would I have taken it? Maybe not but this is my lot and I have to make the most of it. I trully love Mike and the time we have had together to become closer and to experience great things in life. I love all of my nieces and nephews, which is creeping up on 25, if you can believe it.
Okay, I might add to this but I want to post it, so there might be a Part B to my Plan A!
NOTE: I have read some blogs recently about peoples success with IVF and adoption and I wanted to share my side of things. Everyone's story/journey is different and I wanted people to know what we are going through. We are open to adoption and are so grateful that it can be an option if it happens to come our way.
6 comments:
I understand the heartache of not having Plan A work. For me I didn't get married until I was 28. I look back now and wish I hadn't spent time fretting about whether or not I would get married. It is easier to say that when I can step back a few paces and look at things. Then pregnancy didn't happen as I had planned either. However, I am starting to be okay with that too. You are a strong woman. Whatever happens, I know you will be a blessing in many people's lives along the way. And one day you will understand....and even be grateful. I know it.
WOW....almost every word you said could have come from my mouth. I KNOW how hard this is for you guys and I am SOOOO sorry!!!! I don't think that anyone that has gone through this hasn't been angry with God... BUT for me in my lowest of lows when I really thought I couldn't go on again and would be sobbing on my knees that is when I would feel Heavenly Father the closest. I know it is so hard but you are being refined into something amazing. Hang in there...there is a plan. Hugs my dear.
Kari, I don't feel like you've talked baby talk at all! I am glad to know what is going on and am so sad to realize how hard things have been. I'm very sorry.
People don't hesitate to blog about happy things (including pregnancies and babies) but everyone hesitates to write about not-so-happy things. It can be therapeutic to write about stuff and I find it refreshing to read a blog that is real. Thank you for a breath of fresh air.
I read this lady's blog who wrote all about her battle with fertility and I loved it. Here's the link:
mooshinindy.com
although she recently had a baby so read her older posts.
miss you guys!
First of all, nice "You've Got Mail" reference! Secondly, I am "crying my face off" right now. Sometimes I feel that there is no one who understands what a struggle this is. It is nice to read your blog and realise that I am not alone. Thank you for your openess and honesty. Maybe one day I will be brave enough to write a blog about my own story, but for the time being, I will continue to read your blog and know that someone out there understands.
Kari, thank you for being so honest and open. I don't know your struggles and I appreciate you opening up to us to share them.
I admire you strength that you have radiating through this blog. It is so natural and easy to be angry and depressed and feel life isn't fair in the face of all kinds of adversity. Thank you for sharing part of your journey. I am so sorry for the struggle you and Mike are going through, and so glad you are growing closer and stronger because of it.
Thank you for sharing your thoughts in this blog Alayna shared it with me. My husband and I are too in a similar position and are new members of the church. We are pursing treatments and have also just put our names down for a domestic adoption here in the province. I am sorry you are going through this it is unfair for any woman to have to suffer this way.
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