My Plan A

So, at Time Out For Women this year in Calgary Laurel talked about living our Plan A.  She said something to the effect of "we are all living our Plan A, we just didn't know this was our Plan A".

I have been thinking a lot lately about my life....where I am, where I am not, where I thought I would be and what I thought I would be doing....and who with.  I'm sorry if you are all sick of my "baby talk" but I'm sorry...I am going to keep going with it.  And who else to better talk about it with than the "void".  (any of my #6 girls know where that word is from?!!)

Anyway, I wanted to be married by the time I was 21.  That wasn't a must plan, just an age I thought would be good.  Well, I have to say I am glad I didn't get married at 21 but at 24.  I learned a lot about life in those few extra years and had great experiences.  So marriage came and we didn't really want to start having kids right away, but after six months of marriage we changed our minds.  We wanted our family to grow.  I usually say that we wanted to start a family, but we already had-by us being married.  Sometimes I feel that we aren't considered a family or aren't as important because we don't have kids. 

Our fertility (I say fertility journey not infertility in hopes it will still happen for us) started with me getting pain in my right side.  I had an ultrasound and found out that I had two cysts, one on each ovary, that were an inch in size.  They told me the only thing I could do was to take Tylenol for the pain and come back in three to six months to check.  I wouldn't have that so I went back the next month to check and they were gone!  But, that didn't fix our situation.  We have done I think seven artificial inseminations, one of those being done because I didn't react to the medication for IVF and so they couldn't/wouldn't attempt to take any eggs.  To add to that, I have been told my ovaries are shrinking and are smaller than they should be for a woman my age.  Nice, eh? So it looks like my body is shutting down....and way sooner than I want it to.  We did get pregnant in 2009 but miscarried at six weeks.  It is so hard not to have "what ifs" and "I shouldn't have done this or that" because it would have allowed things to end differently but I have to remind myself that I am not to blame.  It is amazing how hard it is to not blame myself, but it happened and I can't do anything about it now.  So we know we have one little soul waiting for us, which is the sun to our sky.

When do we say enough is enough and stop going through procedures and accepting life as it is?  Right now though I feel like I have finally accepted that this is how our life is and I feel content that we have done everything we can do to have children....I can talk about it and not cry my face off but it is still hard.  Our wounds are still raw.  Now I don't want people to be afraid or nervous to tell me they are pregnant because I am very happy for you and want to share in your good news.  I will confess though that I may cry after you tell me, when I am alone of course and say "I wish I had news to share too". 

One thing that I hate to say about all of this is that I came very close to losing my testimony.  Why when we are commanded to have children would we not be blessed with them?  Why us?  I didn't expect my life to be perfect but really?  Why did this have to be my struggle?  I am happy that I haven't had to deal with a lot of death, other than grandparents that were old and had lived good long lives.  But not having children...and especially not really being able to do anything about my body shutting down WAY too early is HARD.  Hard, hard, hard.  If I would have been able to look at a crystal ball and known this was down the path would I have taken it?  Maybe not but this is my lot and I have to make the most of it.  I trully love Mike and the time we have had together to become closer and to experience great things in life.  I love all of my nieces and nephews, which is creeping up on 25, if you can believe it. 

Okay, I might add to this but I want to post it, so there might be a Part B to my Plan A!
NOTE:  I have read some blogs recently about peoples success with IVF and adoption and I wanted to share my side of things.  Everyone's story/journey is different and I wanted people to know what we are going through.  We are open to adoption and are so grateful that it can be an option if it happens to come our way.

1 Nephi 7:12

"Yea, and how is it that ye have forgotten that the Lord is able to do all things according to his will, for the children of men, if it so be that they exercise faith in him? Wherefore, let us be faithful to him."


This really stood out to me yesterday.  Not that I had completely forgotten it, but I needed to be reminded I guess.

pens

ah, don't you just love finding a great pen?  I was writing in my journal on Sunday and I was using a great pen...and then it ran out of ink!

I don't remember where I got the pen but it is a good one so I got a pack of four today, so I'm good for a while.  It is a Bic Velocity Gel.

I'm hoping that this great pen gets me excited and motivated to write in my journal more.  Silly, but whatever works!

Stella and Dot giveaway at Make It and Love It

I would love to win.  You can enter to win too if you go here.

Are you talking to me?

The other day Mike and I were listening to the news...or a podcast...one of them.  Anyway, we heard Obama speak and it just didn't sound sincere to me.  I realize they have speech writers (who probably don't get the credit they deserve) and I am sure they read their speeches a few times to prepare and know them well but it just doesn't sound sincere when they say it.  I just didn't connect with Obama when I heard him because it didn't sound like a regular friend-to-friend or neighbor-to-neighbor conversation.  It sounded too formal.  Now I realize also that they have to be careful what they say so having it written down and mostly reading it is 'safe' for them, but it just doesn't sound sincere.

Talk TO me...not AT me.

You are never alone

For anyone else needing comfort today like I am I thought this would be a good thing to share.

I had this poster on my wall when I was a teenager.  Every day before I left for school I would read it while looking at His face.  It really did bring me comfort and I still think about it often.

Four Things

4 things...


Four shows I watch:

1 - The Big Bang Theory
2 - Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman reruns
3 - Sue Thomas F.B.Eye reruns
4 - Princess



Four things I'm passionate about:

1 - Family
2 - Church
3 - Crafting
4 - Family


Four phrases I say a lot:

1 - I love you
2 - Sweet
3 - Did you do your reading for today?
4 - Just ten more minutes of sleep


Four things I have learned from the past:

1 - Be honest and get over it
2 - Things go way smoother when I am prepared
3 - A days work for a days pay
4 - All the food from a garden is worth the work


Places I'd like to go:

1 - Rome (well Cosenza) to visit my parents while they are on their mission
2 - England/Switzerland/Austria
3 - Australia/New Zealand
4 - Eastern Canada (Ottawa, Quebec, Montreal, P.E.I, Nova Scotia...everywhere)



Four things I did yesterday:

1 - Made baked carmel popcorn
2 - Worked on a puzzle
3 - Made cards
4 - Kissed my husband


Four things I'm looking forward to:

1 - Christmas Break and seeing family
2 - Visiting my sister and other family in the U.S.
3 - Starting a family
4 - Being at the lake


Four things I love about winter:

1 - Christmas
2 - Hot Chocolate
3 - Time with family
4 - Being safe and warm inside my home


Four things on my wish list:

1 - Kids
2 - Family/friends coming to visit
3 - Travelling with Mike
4 - Being able to get rid of bad habits


Four people I tag:

1. Chantel
2. Jessica
3. JoDee
4. Becky